A Picture on a wall, of the emptiness of my mind

sickly again...

2009-08-31T22:24:33Z

I haven't posted here in a very long time, mostly because I keep in touch with the people who read this... Or They have moved to the same social networking sites that I do.

In the off chance that some people still read this, I wanted to say hello.

Right now, I'm not doing so hot.   Fairly ill with food poisoning like symptoms (Yay me).    At the moment, eating very little and drinking as much as I can stomach.     (Keeping those fluids up!)

I wish I could say a whole lot has changed in my life since I last posted, but only a few things have. I dont want to write about most if it, for fear of jinxing it..

Right now, I've lost my basic health care and have been switched over to medical coupons. I had a first appointment last week for a physical examination for my DSHS claim.

I still haven't heard back from DSHS, I should get a letter from them any day. (Here's hoping).

My life is settling down, now that August is on the way out, all the hectic stuff is out of the way and I can settle back down into normalcy and peace.

Working at fixing my car in the mean time, Get it running so I can enjoy a drive or two.    I miss driving for the driving, instead of driving to haul everyoens )*@ around.

Myspace

2009-05-10T17:37:30Z

Tux pictures are up over here at www.myspace.com/hayashio ... Click an take a gander. Let me know if you can't see, I'll have to open up my profile to public view.

While you're looking. Add meh.

It's been a while...

2009-05-06T15:49:17Z

It's been quite a long time since I've posted here, or anywhere for that matter. I suppose I've neglected this on purpose.. Lol

Usually I write to whine and complain about things I don't like, or feel is unjust or wrong. I've been content, so very little content to contribute.

So update for me, Today I go try on the tux I've rented for my friends wedding. I may post pictures, if it fits right, either here or on Myspace.

I've picked up a 360, it's great fun to play when my back hurts an walking is a chore.

Coming up in August, Niki and gang will be coming to stay with us for around 3 weeks... Not sure how I feel about that, not sure where they will sleep.. Just not w/ me :P lol

Anyhoo, I really have nothing to write as the people I really talk to already know whats going on in my life.. This is more of a.. Omg I haven't posted in several weeks kinda post. I'll write more later when I'm awake.

Updates

2009-03-27T23:45:56Z

I updated myspace a day or so ago, so I'll update here.

I made it home okay, and was tired. Slept a lot the last two days, and trying to get over stomach problems from travelling.

I had a good time, for the most part, but had a lot of drama with my ex.   It didn't seem like a vacation, and I don't think we called it a vacation.   We went down there, originally, to see my Uncle tim who was there for a week.

I probably wouldn't have gone, but my mother is pending surgeries and couldn't drive herself. I'm the only real one who isn't fully disabled and having the freetime to go with.

My dad has his appointments, and is suppose to take care of the bills. He has a Morphine pump in his stomach so would not have been able to drive long distances anyways.

I took a break from my life, or tried to, while I was there.   Luckily my ex didn't make any overatures towards me this time, unlike past experiences where I felt she tried to get closer.   We did fight once though, over having common sense and manners infront of my mother.

She still has a lot to learn about tact, and I doubt she will learn it.

My birthday wasn't as pleansant as I'd wish it to be, I got a phone call from another one of my ex's.    I also got birthday wishes from my friend jen (belated) and my friends in my video game addiction of choice.    I also got a IM from Denise wishing me a happy birthday as well.   It was nice to be remembered by someone.

My brother barely remembered it was my birthday, he >Called< on my birthday, and as he hung up .. as an after thought he said "Oh yeah.. Happy birthday to you too"

He was calling trying to get ahold of my dad.

Yes... My dad and I share birthdays. It sucks.

I met some of my ex's friends the last two weeks.   One of which was funny, hyper, (cute), loud, obnoxious, annoying, opinionated, sweet, annoying, and interesting.   Her name is Laura :P

She accompanied us virtually everywhere, and I heard a lot about her life I probably wouldn't have wanted to hear about.. LOL.    She was nice enough to give me a big hug goodbye the last night we saw her.   Lol.

I think, aside from some disappointments, my birthday went off without much of a hitch this year. There were some uncomfortable moments experienced, but To my knowledge no one died, no one was maimed, and apparently no one missed me ^.^

At any rate, I wish you all well.    An I go off again to lala land and not posting.

Greetings from a warm place! :)

2009-03-12T18:41:16Z

Hey everyone, just writing to say to those who still read my posts.

I'm staying with family for a while, had some family fly out from Germany that we wanted to see.   Hadn't seen them for a long time, and it was great to see them.

In a year, I get to see them again, so I'm happy.   So far, from what I hear on the phone, the house has blown up.   I'm glad I'm not there, in that chaos and confusion.    I think my hair would go even more white than the few strands of white hair that I have.

If you want to get ahold of me, you all have my mobile phone number, or if you don't you can get ahold of Denise, or drop me a myspace message and I'll get the number to you :)

I hope you all are well, I have to go hop in the shower and look for computer parts... Maybe pick up some movies or something, just to spend a little money on myself for once.

I miss and love you all, Take care everyone.

Me.

offline for a while

2009-03-03T18:10:35Z

I'm going to be offline for a while, My gaming pc is dead and my health hasn't been the best.

I'm going to be doing a few things to alleviate the stress that's been growing, and to make myself feel better and be healthier.   I will have my cellphone with me, and Denise will likely know how to get ahold of me.

I'm still trying to move my life forward, its more difficult than I thought at first.. Having been stuck in the mud for so long, it is harder to get that mud to let go of me.

If I can find money, in the near future, I probably will disappear again to visit friends. I'm tired of sitting here so desperately alone, and I know at least one friend who would be happy to hang out with me for a weekend.

So yeah

Well life goes on, and I'm trying to go on with it.   Peace.

teddybeargeek @ 2009-02-10T15:50:00

2009-02-10T23:58:09Z

You know, I take so much time out of my life just to try to justify to myself the reasons I do the things I do. It's an exquisite form of torture, to constantly battle yourself over every decision you've ever made.

But I digress from the reason I'm posting, I do that when I don't want to cut to the chase.   Want to apologize to Denise for waffling on last night, I had a lot of emotions running rampant on my soul. It was tiring, and it was a very long sleepless night for me last night.

I have been posting a lot of entries, now and again, on myspace blog.    (Shameless plug) Trying to reason things out to myself, and to seek help and comfort from those I consider my peers. Doesn't usually work.

Sometimes I cross post here, sometimes I don't, but mostly I just write for the writing. I still censor most of what I write though, the only time I don't is when I lash out.

I am desperate in my attempts to cling to the positive aspects of my life, I view them as the salvation of my .. hmm. soul? Rather than use skillful metaphors about this or that, I'll say this.. With out Denise and ashley, the only two who I can talk to regularly, I think my sanity would have fled me long ago.

Ashley only reads my myspace, and Denise gets stalked by me on Yahoo messenger.. sooo. :P

I hope my life gets on track this year, I really do. An I hope that someone will share those moments with me this year. Have to focus on the happiness, an not the sad moments.. If you focus on the sad moments, it destroys you... I know this for fact, because that's what I've been doing.

So Happy moments:   Lets see.
1. Planning trip to my Ex's Family reunion in the summer.. Yay I get to see my Grandma
2. Leaving later this month for a ... Get away.. To visit Family.

I have these two things to focus on, and countless others I discover and experience every day and night.

I'd like to have more, and I'd like to have reason to share it with someone.   Maybe this year will be the year for me.. ^.^

I suppose I should write

2009-01-11T02:10:48Z

I don't write to often, the last few times I've written I've been emotionally... raw.

Being as helpless as I feel, an as helpless as I am.. I over react and my emotions run too strong.

I am sorry, I am for how my emotions are.

Denise understands what I go through, she's been down that road and I look up to her. My back isn't any better, it hurts me often and makes me not want to move and not want to live my life.

It makes me feel vulnerable to the point that I push everyone away, and hope to see someone wants me enough to fight back to stay in my life.   I guess I am as emotionally needy as most women I date, I just want to feel desired.   I want to feel needed and important to someone..

I don't have anything that I can strive towards to keep me moving, All I have is this computer, and the games I play on it.. Which is why the outside world seems so terribly daunting to me.

Can you understand what I'm feeling?   I can be fine for a week, or two weeks... an I can get down on my knee's to fetch a dog toy under a table and my back will pop and I'm sprawled out on the floor.   It's that, that makes me so desperate not to feel helpless.

I went for three walks last week, about half a mile each, and I ended up flat on my back and drugged for 3 days.    I know, it's not important to anyone else, but it's important to me.. No one believes me when I say I hurt, or can't do anything.

No one encourages me to keep pushing forward through this... My own mother, who knows what pain is, thinks I should just walk off the fact my back seized up on me. "Walking will help it" an my first thought was "Walking is what got me into this"

I guess I'll take it one step at a time, one day at a time.   Go it alone because what else can I do? I don't like being alone, but I've made my bed.. so I guess I"ll sleep in it.

Such is life.

Wow

2008-12-26T20:33:36Z

It has been a while since I have actually had to log in to lj, let alone remember my password.. It took me a while. :P

Anyways, I wanted to write to anyone who still reads, and wish my heartfelt greetings over these holidays.. I'd have written sooner, but I was hiding from a holiday you know.. :P

Anyways, Seasons greetings, and love you all.

Me.

Where to begin...

2008-10-03T19:46:24Z

There is so much about the debates I'd like to talk about.. But right now I'm going to touch upon a few things.

One: Your plan is a white flag of surrender in Iraq and that is not what our troops need to hear today, that's for sure. And it's not what our nation needs to be able to count on. You guys opposed the surge. The surge worked. Barack Obama still can't admit the surge works.

A Time line is adjustable, it is a set parameter that can be expanded upon as the ened arises. It gives the nation a sense of hope of return to normalcy, a return to safety. It gives us an idea of when the shift of this "Police Action" will shift, rightfully, back to it's focus on determining the abilities, strength, and location of the true enemies of this country. It is exactly what the troops need to hear, They sit idling in a country... Peace keepers policing the streets of a hostile nation, dying in a small handful every day. They are blown up, they are shot down, they are dragged through the streets... An we deem this as necessary for the "Win in the War in Iraq" .

I have a bit of news for you, Afghanistan and Iraq aren't war's. They are military engagements Authorized by Congress. They was no declaration of war, because there was no real country we could go after against Al Qaida. The Iraq "War" as it was called, simply in my eyes, was a attempt to finish daddies little mistake.

What else do you call going into Iraq? Certainly Hussein needed to be removed, Certainly it may have turned violent... But It wasn't OUR job to do so, It isn't our job in the world to police the foreign nations. It isn't our job to topple dictators.... That is the purpose of the United Nations.. If we wanted Hussein gone, we should have championed a reform of the UN's policies against IRAQ... There was no link that Al qaida was in Iraq before the way, Al Qaida and hussien denounced each other openly.

but That is a long long long debate I wont go further into.

And I will quote both comments on this one as they are equally interesting.. Comments will be below this.

IFILL: Let's talk conventional wisdom for a moment. The conventional wisdom, Governor Palin with you, is that your Achilles heel is that you lack experience. Your conventional wisdom against you is that your Achilles heel is that you lack discipline, Senator Biden. What id it really for you, Governor Palin? What is it really for you, Senator Biden? Start with you, governor.

PALIN: My experience as an executive will be put to good use as a mayor and business owner and oil and gas regulator and then as governor of a huge state, a huge energy producing state that is accounting for much progress towards getting our nation energy independence and that's extremely important.

But it wasn't just that experience tapped into, it was my connection to the heartland of America. Being a mom, one very concerned about a son in the war, about a special needs child, about kids heading off to college, how are we going to pay those tuition bills? About times and Todd and our marriage in our past where we didn't have health insurance and we know what other Americans are going through as they sit around the kitchen table and try to figure out how are they going to pay out-of-pocket for health care? We've been there also so that connection was important.

But even more important is that world view that I share with John McCain. That world view that says that America is a nation of exceptionalism. And we are to be that shining city on a hill, as President Reagan so beautifully said, that we are a beacon of hope and that we are unapologetic here. We are not perfect as a nation. But together, we represent a perfect ideal. And that is democracy and tolerance and freedom and equal rights. Those things that we stand for that can be put to good use as a force for good in this world.

John McCain and I share that. You combine all that with being a team with the only track record of making a really, a difference in where we've been and reforming, that's a good team, it's a good ticket.

IFILL: Senator?

BIDEN: You're very kind suggesting my only Achilles Heel is my lack of discipline.

BIDEN: Others talk about my excessive passion. I'm not going to change. I have 35 years in public office. People can judge who I am. I haven't changed in that time.

And, by the way, a record of change -- I will place my record and Barack's record against John McCain's or anyone else in terms of fundamental accomplishments. Wrote the crime bill, put 100,000 cops on the street, wrote the Violence Against Women Act, which John McCain voted against both of them, was the catalyst to change the circumstance in Bosnia, led by President Clinton, obviously.

Look, I understand what it's like to be a single parent. When my wife and daughter died and my two sons were gravely injured, I understand what it's like as a parent to wonder what it's like if your kid's going to make it.

I understand what it's like to sit around the kitchen table with a father who says, "I've got to leave, champ, because there's no jobs here. I got to head down to Wilmington. And when we get enough money, honey, we'll bring you down."

I understand what it's like. I'm much better off than almost all Americans now. I get a good salary with the United States Senate. I live in a beautiful house that's my total investment that I have. So I -- I am much better off now.

But the notion that somehow, because I'm a man, I don't know what it's like to raise two kids alone, I don't know what it's like to have a child you're not sure is going to -- is going to make it -- I understand.

I understand, as well as, with all due respect, the governor or anybody else, what it's like for those people sitting around that kitchen table. And guess what? They're looking for help. They're looking for help. They're not looking for more of the same.

IFILL: Governor?

PALIN: People aren't looking for more of the same. They are looking for change. And John McCain has been the consummate maverick in the Senate over all these years.

He's taken shots left and right from the other party and from within his own party, because he's had to take on his own party when the time was right, when he recognized it was time to put partisanship aside and just do what was right for the American people. That's what I've done as governor, also, take on my own party, when I had to, and work with both sides of the aisle, in my cabinet, appointing those who would serve regardless of party, Democrats, independents, Republicans, whatever it took to get the job done.

Also, John McCain's maverick position that he's in, that's really prompt up to and indicated by the supporters that he has. Look at Lieberman, and Giuliani, and Romney, and Lingle, and all of us who come from such a diverse background of -- of policy and of partisanship, all coming together at this time, recognizing he is the man that we need to leave -- lead in these next four years, because these are tumultuous times.

We have got to win the wars. We have got to get our economy back on track. We have got to not allow the greed and corruption on Wall Street anymore.

And we have not got to allow the partisanship that has really been entrenched in Washington, D.C., no matter who's been in charge. When the Republicans were in charge, I didn't see a lot of progress there, either. When the Democrats, either, though, this last go- around for the last two years.

Change is coming. And John McCain is the leader of that reform.

IFILL: Senator...

BIDEN: I'll be very brief. Can I respond to that?

Look, the maverick -- let's talk about the maverick John McCain is. And, again, I love him. He's been a maverick on some issues, but he has been no maverick on the things that matter to people's lives.

He voted four out of five times for George Bush's budget, which put us a half a trillion dollars in debt this year and over $3 trillion in debt since he's got there.

He has not been a maverick in providing health care for people. He has voted against -- he voted including another 3.6 million children in coverage of the existing health care plan, when he voted in the United States Senate.

He's not been a maverick when it comes to education. He has not supported tax cuts and significant changes for people being able to send their kids to college.

He's not been a maverick on the war. He's not been a maverick on virtually anything that genuinely affects the things that people really talk about around their kitchen table.

Can we send -- can we get Mom's MRI? Can we send Mary back to school next semester? We can't -- we can't make it. How are we going to heat the -- heat the house this winter?

He voted against even providing for what they call LIHEAP, for assistance to people, with oil prices going through the roof in the winter.

So maverick he is not on the important, critical issues that affect people at that kitchen table.

Now to touch upon what Biden says, This is where his education in public office comes into play.. He said it eloquently that he can relate to parents across this nation. He furthered it by telling us of his tragedies in his earlier history.. It was touching, and it was moving.. A strong move by a wise candidate. If you want to win a debate, you always have to play the card that relates the most with your viewing audience.

In this case it was the Middle class parents, the Soccer moms out there.. and the little league baseball coach dads. Translated it was Joe Biden: "I've had a hard life, I know how it is to suffer and worry about your loved ones.. I can relate, I've lost much in my life and can understand your pain"

Now to be fair to Sarah Palin... To be honestly fair. Joe Bidens quoted response above was a comment in response to the lack of Palin giving a Achille's heel response to the question. He was touching upon Parent card played by sarah.

She seemed almost out of touch, trying to reach forward with the Son in Iraq. She seemed callous capitalizing on her children and family as reasons those are strengths, when the true question was what were her weaknesses.

She stuck to her talking points without fail, and to further comment she seemed inhumane when Biden shared with us his heart breaking story about his first wife.. She showed no sympathy, no body movements to show she absorbed his loss at all on a personal level.. She just kept harping, I use harping because she wasn't attacking..s he was harping or inefectively flailing her arms around all night, on her talking points an misguided attempts to smear obama.

I sat up until almost 3 this morning flipping through news stations and late night shows for responses on the debate. The Right wing camp hyped it up as a Instant win for sarah... The left wing camp confident that Biden won the debate by sticking with the form and spirit of the debate. The Uncommited and independants were swayed by Bidens down to earth responses and view points... They were not, however, swayed by Palin's Giddy eye winks and waves..

I'll end this now with Bidens closing statement, which I thought touched me the most eloquently and deeply.. I think of the whole debate this will be the most missed, yet strongest for Obama's cause, comment of the night.. It wont make it as a sound byte, it wont make it to the front page of the newspapers.. But it touched this mans soul deeply... It's what I view should come in the future, regardless of who wins or loses.. It is honest to god values..

BIDEN: Gwen, thank you for doing this, and the commission, and Governor, it really was a pleasure getting to meet you.

Look, folks, this is the most important election you've ever voted in your entire life. No one can deny that the last eight years, we've been dug into a very deep hole here at home with regard to our economy, and abroad in terms of our credibility. And there's a need for fundamental change in our economic philosophy, as well as our foreign policy.

And Barack Obama and I don't measure progress toward that change based on whether or not we cut more regulations and how well CEOs are doing, or giving another $4 billion in tax breaks to the Exxon Mobils of the world.

We measure progress in America based on whether or not someone can pay their mortgage, whether or not they can send their kid to college, whether or not they're able to, when they send their child, like we have abroad -- or I'm about to, abroad -- and John has as well, I might add -- to fight, that they are the best equipped and they have everything they need. And when they come home, they're guaranteed that they have the best health care and the best education possible.

You know, in the neighborhood I grew up in, it was all about dignity and respect. A neighborhood like most of you grew up in. And in that neighborhood, it was filled with women and men, mothers and fathers who taught their children if they believed in themselves, if they were honest, if they worked hard, if they loved their country, they could accomplish anything. We believed it, and we did.

That's why Barack Obama and I are running, to re-establish that certitude in our neighborhoods.

Ladies and gentlemen, my dad used to have an expression. He'd say, "champ, when you get knocked down, get up."

Well, it's time for America to get up together. America's ready, you're ready, I'm ready, and Barack Obama is ready to be the next president of the United States of America.

May God bless all of you, and most of all, for both of us, selfishly, may God protect our troops.

I am Michael Darbro, and I endorse this message...

Still smiling

2008-09-09T18:05:09Z

I've been in a good mood for a few days now, I've been going to sleep happy.. I've been waking up happy.. I've been.. over all, annoyingly... happy. :P

Which to most of you, is a shocker.. I'm suppose to be the emo/moody/angry Wolfy right? :P

There are some things I should catch you up on in my life at the moment. Hope you don't mind, but this is my blog after all.

My niece is recovering, she will be going home on thursday. For those of you who don't know, my niece went to the hospital three weeks ago for mysterious conditions. Conditions I'm still not quite satisfied with the diagnosis and explanation for... But I assume these "Doctors" know better than I do. I use the term "Doctors" loosely.

It took them 3 weeks, Two intubations/extubations, and a trachiotomy to finally get my niece stabilized.

The time line goes like this...

4 weeks ago my niece was brought in with a ear infection.. She was treated and given antibiotics.
A day or two later, she was brought in with a high fever, she was given two days of antibiotics and not hospitalized.
a day later, swollen and bleeding profusely she was brought into the hospital and we were called by her grandmother to go check on her.
so Nearly two and a half weeks of this poor child being tortured, they finally gave us a diagnosis.

The ear infection, coupled with Pneumonia, and linked with a bacterial infection of some sort caused her to bleed profusely from her mouth and nose.    Caused minor damage to internal organs, and now she is on a feeding tube and has a trachea tube for at most a year.

That just doesn't add up to me, it really doesn't.

I can explain to you right NOW why she needs a trachea tube. They intubated her, let her be intubated for a prolonged period of time. Then they extubated her, which caused swelling in her throat from the fact she WAS intubated in the first place. They did this prematurely >.<   ..

Rather than do anything for the swelling, treat her in any other way.. they CRAMMED A DAMN INTUBATION TUBE down her already swollen throat worsening the matter.. Until she could be given a trachiotomy in the morning.

Barbaric.. I tell you. Barbaric.   This poor child already had the odds stacked against her. When she was born, she was deprived of oxygen for several minutes.. Suffered partial brain damage.. (we think).

No child should EVER have to go through this.

Now on to other things...

First off, and I know this is early but we only talk every other month these days... HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALI .. (okay so I'm a few days early)

Next up,   I've gotten a new mobile phone... My other mobile phone was falling apart.. Thusly I've lost all text messages, and saved voice memo/mails on my phone from friends.    Until I can afford to add text messaging, I'm a sad panda.. ; ;

Now onto my health, I should be extremely upset about this, but I'm not.

Two years ago, I hurt my back and went through the whole L&I process.. (Department of Labor and INdustries) they closed my account and my back has been untreated for .. oh.. A year and a half. Now we fast forward to March where I get basic health care through the state.

I specifically ask the lady signing me up, when I can be seen for pre-exisiting conditions. When can I be covered by my insurance for a existing condition.. She tells me, that I have to way 6-9 months to be seen for a existing condition. (Can covered by medical insurance.. I can be seen for it any time ...)   So fast forward 6 months... I call to talk to my doctors office about my back. I ask politely if my waiting time is up to be seen for a existing condition as my back is injured, and I am in pain on a regular basis.

I get back "What waiting period" ... We'll pause for a moment while you digest all I've regurgitated in this post so far...

Done chocking it down? Okay..

I fire back "The waiting period to be seen, on my basic health care plan, for pre existing conditions... "    Answer is: "Well there is no clause or condition in your plan that prevented you from coming in since day one.."

*Insert the sounds of my head pounding on my metal desk... *   "Sir? sir... Are you okay?"

So yes, I should be upset over that, but oddly I'm okay with it.

I have to fill out paperwork to have my old records faxed/mailed/shipped/sent/emailed/conveyed/distributed to/lost by my old doctor to my new doctor.   Go me!

Anyways, I think I'll wrap that up.

long time no type

2008-09-01T16:57:32Z

It's been a long time since I've written in Livejournal, or any blog for that matter.

I really don't have time to do these things anymore, I'm being run ragged driving all the time.   I have a niece in the hospital in tacoma, so I'm driving there every day, staying until late in the evening, and driving back.

I don't have time for anything else, other than a sporadic conversation with hope here and there, and saying hello to Denise before she or I go to bed.    Lack the mental capacity for much else as of late... I get sporadic day offs where I just turn into a mental vegitable and sleep for hours on end.

My niece is in the hospital for several reasons, and we're not sure if that's all the reasons she's there for.   She first went there for a ear infection with a fever, and then something else.. Then she started bleeding profusely and has been in the hospital since. Doctors say ear infection, Pneumonia, and a bacteria infection that's attacked her internal organs... However, that just.. seems.. wrong to me.

She's been intubated, extubated, intubated, extubated, given a trachiotomy (spelling), and then taken off vents again... All within two weeks.. Poor little dear.

It's difficult being there, with other families that may or may not lose their kids.   Makes me angry when I see people come in and be completely insensitive to the fact there are sick people, or grieving parents around them.    Yesterday was the worst, We're in the PICU Pediatrics Intensive (S)care unit.. You shouldn't be talking about clubbing, or have 20 some people talking over each other at the top of their lungs in the waiting room.    And considering there was a grieving mother trying to talk and get comfort... This was... a callous thing for these Vietnamese and mexican people to do. >.<

Bah... I have to go to my aunts and try to breathe life into her computer for some data.   I hope to be able to write something again.

I love you all, some more than others... but I shant say who.    lol.

I've been doing some thinking lately

2008-07-16T08:03:36Z

You know, being alone all the time (relatively..), gives you plenty of time to get retrospective. I've been doing some thinking, I've been doing some soul searching, and I've been crashing and burning.

I realize it's my own fault that I'm alone, I pushed every single soul around me away.   But I also realized why I did it, I realized what my motivations were. They weren't based up self destruction, they were based on self preservation.

I realized that very few people wanted to know how I was, once they knew who I was.     They learned what I was, and somehow the interest faded away. I became someone they could write off and not think about from time to time.

Slowly, that went from "Being enough" and "I can respect that" to curdling my heart and becoming "Not enough" ... an "I deserve better" .

I have always tried to give people the best of myself, because most people don't want to see anything LESS from me.

Which is why I end up hurt, and why I push people away. There is only so much lip service you can give, before parts of you whither and crumble.

I let things spiral out of control for too long, an now I don't know how to put it all back together in some semblance of a whole.. (I never was good at puzzles... damnit)

I wanted someone to do what I would gladly do, call me up and say "Hey Mikey, how was your day?"     ... To wake me up in the morning singing to me, to leave me voice mails once in a while I could cherish.

I think that was too much to ask for, from a vast majority of my friends.    I know that long distance bills interfere, and that real life gets in the way. I know that some of you had children to raise, and problems to fix, and school to attend.    But somehow, a few minutes on a Instant messenger wasn't enough to stave off the growing need for attention.

My inner three year old was throwing a tantrum by then... An absolute fit.   I needed a friend, I needed someone just to call me up at a random time and say Hi Mikey.

I confused it, this need, with the need to be loved.   I wanted love, but more over I wanted acceptance and maybe a sense of being needed.

In a sick way, I draw pleasure from being needed... Because the only people in my life that show me they need me is my family around me.   I guess all my friends became self sufficient and forgot to tell me how to do it too...

I am tired of being dropped like a bad habit, members of my own family do it as well.    When I "Fell" last year, an had a lapse of better judgment regarding my katana's... My sister, and brother tom were the only ones who reached out and checked to see if I was ok.   Tom offered to fly me down to San Diego to relax a little and collect myself. I should have accepted, I really should have. Even if that would have placed me in the clutches of niki.

Instead, I did what you all know I did.. Stuck it out.   Yeah we know how that went.

I think I'm tired of it all really. These games I play just to try to earn a little affection.   To make people respond to me in some fashion or another.    I'm really just going to quit trying.

You see.. I've started talking with ashley again.

Yes the Ashley who has put me through the ringer a few times.   However, she's the only one who has stepped up and actually offered to be my friend.

I know she's out for something more than I can offer her, she knows I can't offer her that.   But she's willing to accept my friendship, and offer to be my friend.

I need more people like that.    I just don't know where to start earning them.

While I'm being reflective of my nature, flaws, and shortcomings... I have an apology to offer

Alison,

I don't know if you'll read this... Not sure what's going on in my head these days.   I wish you well with your new job, and congratulate you on all your achievements. I wish you the best with your engagement, and all the best wishes for the health of you and your children.

Right now, I don't feel I can talk with you... mainly because the chip on my shoulder is too big for me to patch.   I took what you said to me too hard, and reacted too strong.   I don't know how to get past that, and not sure if I can discover the way to get past it.

I don't ignore what you write when you message me, but I simply don't know how to respond without this profound bitterness that corrupts my life somehow dripping in.

You don't deserve that, and you deserve better.   Just don't poke fun at suicidal yanks anymore... you got that?

I still consider you a friend, even if I'm not so sure how to talk with you right now.

I need to find myself, and I need to find my happiness.

Please forgive me for my assholishnes

--

That said, there's only a couple more things to say... Then I'm not sure if I'll want to write here again.    I'm opening myself up to a world of pain.

Hope,

Some of what I wrote above was directed at you, though a lot of it wasn't.   I've done a lot of things in my life I'm not proud of... But I am proud to have known you.   If you haven't noticed, I removed you from myspace.

I may end up removing you from LJ as well if I choose to keep writing here.   I have always written in hopes that you would respond to me, or open up to me. But I'm an outside element to your life, and always have been.   I think from day one.

There are some decisions I regret, and some actions I regret as well.. But I think those will always live with me so long as I breathe.

I have always tried to keep you close in my thoughts, a positive aspect. An I thought maybe you were doing the same, from the times we'd talk on the phone an you'd say you'd been thinking about me, or talking about me.   But when we last talked, you made it clear to me that we truly have gone our separate ways.   I think I need to keep pushing further away, so I'm sure that the rift that has existed between you and I will only grow deeper and wider.

As it is we don't talk unless I take the initiative, an I think it's been that way since we first got to know each other.

I think I'm done being thoughtful, I feel a little more at ease with what I've written.. an It's taken a great load off my chest even though I haven't said all I wanted to say.

Tired

2008-07-07T16:43:01Z

My brain wont let me be, it delights in ways to keep me awake and angry. I never realized how vindictive my brain can be, until I lay awake trying to sleep and my brain puts forth ways to be evil and vindictive to people who have hurt me.

Really need to out grow this phase in my life you know?

Right now I'm just grateful that I'm alive right now, even though I have had no reason recently to be otherwise. Just the fact that lance died last week has made me feel very mortal. I'll get over it sooner or later.

I went out of town saturday, to a party, was awake for almost 23 hours... So I'm trying to re-coup on sleep I've missed. I got to watch my little nieces hula dance though. Which was nice.. An I got to sit and listen to the ocean to recover my scattered thoughts.

I have a lot on my mind. My mind has gone a thousand different directions these last two years with my health and all.

The real thing was, that I had one thing and one thought the entire time I was sick that helped me focus. It was the one thing I centered my life around because it was the only thing that was important to me. Now that is gone, An I think that's why I'm so scattered and uncollected.

I feel depressed with my position in life, but I cope with it daily. It's the cabin fever that eats you alive though.

I feel like an Oldman lately, like a man beyond time itself. But that's just fatigue talking.. it'll disappear when I can finally let loose and let everything go for a while.

My house is emptier now, my niece moved out last week. So it is kinda lonely here even if there's still 4 of us living here. Lol.

I have other things I want to say, but right now I've said enough.

Figured it was time.

2008-06-19T20:41:21Z

I haven't updated in a while, I've avoided all forms of blogging for a while. I really don't have much to say really, I don't have much to write or share because I have been sharing with the people who are close in my life.

I've been talking with Denise daily, I think she's growing tired of me... lol.. an I speak with ashley every few nights, when she remembers to call/call me back. Other than that I'm pretty secluded, think I've walled everyone else off to prevent myself being even more wounded. I'm not a nice person when I'm wounded, like a cornered animal.. I lash out.

I'm trying to move on with my life now, I've learned some things that kinda didn't give me the choice BUT to move on. An I hope that it becomes easier for me in the long run, I just have to take it one day at a time.

I've been sick for the last 5 weeks, at first with a chest cold, then some sort of sinus bug.. an I'm slowly starting to sound and feel human again. Between the antibiotics and the steroids and the decongestant ... I don't feel like my head is going to explode.

I think this is all for a while, I'm not in the mood to go into the matters of my heart and soul. Things are a mess there, and I need to figure it all out.

Love you all,

me.

why..

2008-05-06T06:56:23Z

has writing in my journals become such a chore. I don't look forward to writing these, but then again I know that sometimes I need to. If only for me to come here once a week, or month and take a look at my thoughts.

I have been sick again, chest cold.. Some day I'll stop getting so sick and just live ya know?

Life has resumed it's normal pace, stress has gotten back to its normal levels.. and time moves on.     I no longer suffer from chest pains, and I am actually far calmer than I have been in a long time.

I talk to ashley (My ex gf) from time to time when she gets bored... An I talk to denise online and on the phone often.   I also talk to hope online, and that brings me great joy. It is nice to hear friendly voices, and it is nice to be able to have interaction with people I am fond of.

I think I'm finally done pushing people away, and I'm finally done being hurt by little things. I have things layed out where I need them to be, and maybe someday I'll even have a little control over something (well one can hope I suppose).

Today I took a drive in my car, just making random turns on roads I had never been down before.. I ended up at a graveyard in Granite Falls... Which is about 24 minutes Northeast from where I live.    My aunt Marie, Her husband larry, and my Grandmother are buried there... and I haven't visited the grave in well near a decade.

I don't know who, what, or why for I was brought there... but I stopped and visited each grave site and cleaned them off.   I realized that life is so transient in nature... It's here one day, and gone the next.

My memory is filled with such negative memories of My uncle larry (Maries husband) and such positive Memories of My aunt Marie.. Even though from everyone elses perspective Marie was a hellion and cause more trouble than larry.   To me she was a very kind and gentle woman.    I only ever heard her angry voice directed at me once.. an I think that was because I broke a lawn fixture or something. (I'm a clumsy git somedays).

I only remember my Grandmother fleetingly... infact only one memory and her face isn't even clear.   She lived in a nursing home that's 6 miles from my house... Infact I think she lived there most of my life.. I remember visiting her once, and wondering who this woman was...

Then I remembered her trying to rip my cheek off of my face.   An that's the memory I have of her.

Storys aren't told,   infact I know little of my Grandmother.. Other that she entertained men from time to time.. that she had kids, and that her kids question whether their mother was a fit mother or not.

I hope that, that will never be me... Only a single memory and a life of doubt.     *shrugs*

I stopped visiting that cemetery because I don't handle death well... An visiting wasn't helping me find closure to all the turmoil and doubt.. the whole "Faith" being ripped away from me. Visiting wasn't giving me my faith back... and I still haven't found it to this day.    But today, for the first time in a long time I closed my eyes, bowed my head, and prayed to my Aunt, Uncle, and grandmother.. Asking them to look over me and my family since this has been a very tough two years for us.

I'd like to think that they heard me, but again I still have no faith to speak of.

That makes me a bad catholic doesn't it?

Writer's Block: Back in Time

2008-04-16T08:05:02Z

If you could travel in time, which era would you visit and why?

View 501 Answers

The short answer would be back 10 years ago, back when the world seemed a little saner.

And while it might shock some of you, I would not wish to visit any historical time of japan. Why? Cause I'd never come back, of course!

An I don't wish to start a flame war, with my comments about the US.. Please understand that. Just that before the current administration came to office, my life was so much better. The job field I was in was booming, the economy was strong, the stock markets were rising.. It seemed like life was worth living.

There were active programs to help the less fortunate, more forward steps to equality for all.. It was a booming time in the US history.

I think looking back, the 8 years of the "Clinton Administration" will be seen as a prosperous time by those who aren't tainted with hatred and animosity that so often clouds peoples eyes. It wasn't the clintons that brought this in, it had nothing to do with them. It was just that the right people were in the right places, making the right decisions to further our goals as a nation. Not like today where the goals of the nation take the back seat to the goals of the rich and in power.

These last 7 years have seen the erosion of civil rights, personal rights, and privacy like no other time. An that saddens me, it saddens me greater to know that because Big Money wants things done, big money gets things done... But homeless shelters, charities, and organizations that help with disaster relief get no mention or funding in this day an age.

It is getting to where, as a Human being, I will have to leave this country to go on living. I am on a low to no income public health program, and making less than 38 dollars a month due to disabilities. An I am one of the fortunate people.. I am a lucky person. There are others less fortunate than me, or more disabled than me who cannot (due to changes in Social security and the likes) cannot qualify for help.

The us is a dark country, dark and foreboding. I'd like to think, if they could, the founding fathers would Rise from their graves and ass kick every last person in office... OUT.. for turning our government into a tyrannical monstrosity.

A country founded to escape the tyranny of religious oppression, is now oppressed by something even more tyrannical and evil. Rich old bastards who want to see that no one has any money but them. >.<

An update...

2008-04-05T01:58:47Z

So lately I've taken to tormenting people on myspace with my emo thoughts and love for over abundant usage of commas. ,,,,,,,,,, (see what I mean?)

This is an entry I wrote there, and to save time.. I'll copy and paste.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

now that I’ve had a chance...
Current mood: chipper

I didn’t want to talk about what was going on in my life, until I had a chance to absorb it all and cope.

I’ve had a very traumatic (mentally and emotionally) past 3 months. It’s april, and I can put it behind me.

Before you think otherwise, this isn’t a April fools joke. This is me, expressing myself.

Since my parents came home in December, I’ve been having chest pains. They’d get worse from time to time, making me want to go to the hospital. What kept me OUT of the hospital was a lack of money, and a lack of medical insurance... So I applied for basic health through Washington state. In Mid February I got my confirmation that I was accepted in the plan, and in the 2nd week of march my card arrived.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, by a very long long shot.

In December I went to the walk in clinic (December 7th), and they told me I had issues with anxiety and scheduled me for an examination by another doctor.

Roll the clock forward to December 28th... I go see this doctor, and he gives me what is called a "Zung" test to measure the amount of my depression. I took his little test, and it showed I wasn’t depressed by any means. He assumed my chest pains were anxiety related, and proceeded to medicate me.

Roll the clock forward through things I’ve already complained about that I don’t need to re-iterate. January 27th my dad takes me off the anti anxiety medication for very good reasons, and January 28th I see said doctor again. Upon taking another zung test, I fail it miserably, but the doctor ignores it and says to stop taking my anxiety medication and stick with my blood pressure medication.

Roll clock forward 2 weeks, of even more misery... Upon Coming off the withdrawls, I have to take myself off my blood pressure medication because of side-effects... An I can’t get in to the doctor to get more. (Chest pain resurfaces... weeeeeeeeeee)

Roll the clock forward to march 20th, where I go to Group Death (Group Heath (GHC.org)) to the urgent care.. Mind you I had an appointment on the 26th already... My mom kind of ambushed me...

I get bounced around from department to department for 30-40 minutes, and finally seen by a Doctor. We took chest xrays, Blood tests, an EKG ... and then I saw her again. Looking at the EKG, the doctor said there was something with either the tissue or the muscle around/near my heart. (Panic Attack) ... The Xray showed a shadow or a cloud that she was worried about.. (Growing gray hair now...) ...

I leave town after that for 4 or 5 days, I needed to catch up on living... and escape my situation for a while. I sped, I drank, I hiked, I had fun...

One by one the blood tests came back, and I was emailed results of it as each one came back. There were a few problems, I had touches of being anemic and my Lymphs Absolute level was high.. Other than that, my blood work was okay.. So I breathed a little easier... But I was still worried about that ekg, about that xray.

So Tuesday I head home, getting more and more nervous by the mile... An Wednesday I wasn’t feeling any calmer, I was sweating bullets. I went to the doctor, I checked in, and I was brought back almost immediately for blood pressure and consultation.

The doctor I saw, struck me as gay from the start. Skipping in through the door merrily.. (okay not a clear sign) ... Then the limp hand shake .. (Again not a clear sign) .. Then he starts talking... (Gaydar goes full tilt... Houston We have a problem..) Despite feeling a little uncomfortable, I’m a pisces.. I’m in touch with my emotions and feminine side... but not to the extent this guy is.. O.O I ask him about my problems, I asked him about my blood test results.. An he told me, that because I was sick and that I’ve been so worried and not eating as much.. The results were normal, the Lymphs absolute raises when you fight an infection or a disease. The anemia is normal for not eating as much, and also again.. fighting off bad things.. (I sit a little taller as a metric ton of stress lifts) ..

I ask him about the EKG, and he asks me about my ethnic background.. My weight, my stress level.. What I eat, exercise.. An he told me, based on that... The results were normal.. I just had to watch my blood pressure, (I have meds) and I’d be fine.

The big thing, my xray.. I asked him about the shadow on my xray, and he looks at it for a minute, he checks both films ... An Gives me a quick anatomy lesson, about the heart and the blood flows in the chest. The shadows and clouds were blood flowing in and out of my chest. My heart looked fine, my xrays looked fine.

All in all, I looked fine. He asked about my weight again, and my eating habits. He asked why I didn’t exercise more, and I told him about my back injury and that despite being impaired.. I wasn’t classified as disabled. That it hurt some days to even get out of bed. An others, I could act like a spry teenager.

*shrugs*

I’ve been trying to digest all of that. An it’s put me a little off in the head .. HEY no snide remarks.. I know I have never been "All there" .. :P

That's my big entry for the last two months, I'm feeling better.   My chest only hurts once in a while, and I'm kinda detoxing on the stress.

Now excuse me for my moment of emo-ness when I write this, I wonder who reads my entries.. Show of hands?    I'd rather consolidate my entries on which ever journal people read the most.    I know that my ex and Sacqua read my myspace... An over in this neck of the woods, I can never tell because no one bloody responds other than sacqua :D

This journal wont go away, if myspace is more popular.. It will just remain as it has for the last two months.. Entry free.    Lately, I've been talking with people more on the phone and IM's than in LJ.    I feel like I'm talking to the wall here, when I started this journal to share who I am and what I am with everyone.   I started this to get feed back from others, because it gave me insight to my actions.

So as a whole, this last year, this journal has failed miserably at doing that.   It became a chore to write, and try to chase people away just to get a reaction. I'm tired of that, I'm tired of having to provoke reactions out of y'all. So a simple "I read it" or silence will do.

I'm growing up here, bear with me as I take steps.

An answer to a response to a joke gone awry

2008-02-16T10:25:54Z

The ball is always in my court it seems, these days.    I never said I expected to be more important in your life, I said that I knew that your life was more important than me.   I have no delusions of grandeur that my life is more important than anyone elses.

Right now, and for a little while I am hurt by the joke. It was in poor taste, and I took offense to it. That's just the cultural and personal differences... Here, in the states, you don't joke w/ someone who has tried to off themselves.. about offing them selves.   It's considered in poor taste, and sometimes egging the person on to try again.

I don't want to be a priority in your life, btw, because you have so many priorities in your life. Having sick and disabled children is hard, compound that with going to school and work, and managing a new relationship.   You have an impossible life to lead.

If there's nothing more about me for you to learn but this, I'm an understanding person.   I look at something inside out, sideways, upways, slantways, backways, frontways, and over and under..   Then I step back about 20 yards and look again.   So I understand the situation you are in, and I also understand why you don't contact me as much as you use too.   I don't have any issue with that, I don't have any beef with that, I wont twist your arm to call me or write me.

I Understand.

Now understand where I'm coming from, as much as your life is chaotic for you... Mine is for me.   I've been unemployed and partially disabled for two plus years now.   I have been virtually alone, due to my own making, trying to emotionally survive some how.   I was issued a script to take by a doctor who believes medicating is the treatment for all that ails you.   That medication destroyed me mentally and emotionally, and I tried to destroy myself physically.

I am not in a place to take jokes about my personal well being, nor will I be for a long time to come.   When someone tells a joke like that, at my expense, it makes me feel like my existence in this world isn't justified.   It is bad enough that no one deems me worth to call, or include in their lives anymore due to my actions while I was depressed.    It's bad enough that my only friend I can relate to in this country has to deal with my emo ass on a daily basis.   I want to be happy enough that I can be a good friend to her, not a emotional leech.

When someone tells a joke at my expense like that, when they try to crack wise and put me down in the same stroke.. Just to try to "Cheer me up" that hurts me on several levels, and I hope that you realize it.    I hope that you'll think twice before you tell a joke like that, because it can do more harm than good.    I sent several emails that day to talk with a few friends, and then I walked away from the computer and got in my car and left.   I drove for a few hours just to clear my mind and think.

An when I had come to a rational conclusion, you sign on for all of 4 minutes and fire off a "I'm sorry" and a few other comments and jet off on your busy schedule.   You should have waited, I suppose, until you had more time to talk with me.. because that in itself was a kind of slap in the face on an emotional level.   "I'm sorry" and run off without giving me a chance to talk.    Now yes, I understand you have the kids to take to school, and then university and work.   I understand your busy, I understand that life stands still for no one. I completely and utterly understand that.   Without fail, I understand that.   I don't resent that, I don't have issue with that.

It's about timing, it's about communication... An lately there has been none of that.   At all.

I'm not talking about phone calls, I'm not talking about letters, or emails or anything.   The only communication we've had, of serious nature is a few minutes in your morning before you go off to work.. Or when you are about to go to bed when you get home.   Granted, there is an insane time difference.. but I have just enough time to ask how your kids are doing and how you are.. then it's off to bed you go.

For me, communication is EVERYTHING.    You know this, you know a lot about me.      I can see when communication is not being established.   And it isn't, not by a long shot, that's what time and space and life does to people.

I don't write online much anymore, it just doesn't feel like home anymore.   I created this live journal to share my thoughts, and poems, and ideas with everyone and hopefully get some feedback.    Every now and then someone will read and comment, and I get all giddy an happy.. But for the most part, I'm ignored and written off.

Please don't consider me insensitive when I write this, but when I write you an email... please write me an email back .. not respond in a comment to my journal, and not even remark upon what I've written.   I write these entries in hopes people will share my laughs and joys, and comfort me when I fall flat on my face.    I write these entries to share who I am inside, since so many people have so little to do with me.

I've always asked for comments, but comments I seek are for the idea's I've shared here.   The comments I seek are for people to share an emotional bond with what I'm going through.    An that entry in particular was an entry about myself coming to terms with my lot in life, accepting who I am an what I have to do.

I have no idea if you read my journal on a regular basis, or if you read it all. Maybe you only comment on it when I write you or upset you. I don't know, because if you look back at the comments I've had recently.. There haven't been any.    I have no idea if you even know what goes on in my life at all, or if you know when I'm in pain.    I have no way to know that, just as (since I have yet to see you keep an updated journal online) I have no way to know what goes on in your life except when we talk sporadically.

Maybe I should discontinue writing at this point,   either this entry, or this journal.     I finally get a comment on my journal, and here I am bitching about it. What a hypocrite.. (referring to myself)

Now to how I am doing, I am doing okay.   I still get a little overly depressed from time to time, but I'm managing. Coming off of those pills I was on, was a nightmare for me.   As much as I wanted to hurt myself while I was on them, I wanted to hurt myself even more to keep from suffering with the withdrawls.    I am suffering from insomnia of a sort, I can't get to sleep until after 2 in the morning.   Only way I can do so is to set my alarm early early early in the morning, and walk like a zombie the next day.   It resets my sleeping schedule, but eventually I end up back at 2 am.

I went to the casino tonight with my mom, we both lost big .. but had a good time doing so.   It was nice to get out of the house, something I don't do often enough.

I've been looking at some places for work, but it looks like I may have to go with a temp agency.   I'm hesitant about this, because I got burned by the temp agency I worked for before.

Here in this state, when you are injured on the job... Especially a job like a temp agency, either they or the state is suppose to find work for you.   The temp agency I worked for, dropped me like a hot potato after I got injured.   NEVER called me back, never wrote me, never even sent me a card.   An the state did the same, no vocational training, and cut off my support when the doctor declared me partially disabled.

This leaves me in a bind, I don't have the training or experience, or education to get a good paying job.   Nor do I have the stamina to stand long periods of time because my back seizes up and exhausts me after being in a position for too long.

Some of it has to do with my weight, which I want to change.. but again this takes money. Something I have nothing of. The rest of it has to do with the fact I have a degenerated disc in my back, and that it pinches a nerve from time to time that renders me as mobile as a rock.

Such is life.

Any ways enough of my whining, I am going to bed as it's past my bedtime. Much hugs and kisses and loves to Denise and hope.

It's time for an update

2008-02-01T20:09:24Z

I am feeling balanced out now, I am still learning to control my emotions again. It is difficult, and a learning process... one I didn't think I'd have to repeated.

Life is so much better off those pills, I can laugh and cry.   I can be lecherous, or as innocent as a new born babe.. It is great to have that spectrum of emotion back.

Currently I'm still recovering from what ever stomach bug I had, chicken noodle soup is the only solid food(ish) that has stayed in my stomach.
My mom bought me a new frog, so I curled up under two blankets with my froggie and dreamed myself a little dream.   Peaceful and happy, no nightmares, no worries, my dreams are my own again.

I still take medicines to manage my blood pressure, and my acid reflux... I don't have issues with those. I may eventually pull myself off of my acid reflux, but I think I'll keep my blood pressure medicines for a while.. if not permanently.   High blood pressure runs in my family, and though I suspect my high blood pressure was due to anxiety... I'd rather not take any chances, until I lose a lot of weight and can get properly tested.

My life feels a little more under my control than it has in a while, I am focusing on the happy things like I said I would.   It is pointless for me to get angry and upset and lash out when no one responds to me.

I needed to realize that I can do this for myself, and though I struggle... I'm working on it.   I honestly don't have the choice to not work on it, I've recently experienced what it is like to have everything taken out of my control and my opinion discounted.

I am trying to apply for health care, or find a counselor to talk with.   Things to help me accept my problems and issues... to help me not just wall them all off and not look back.

I want to appologize to a few people for worrying them, Denise and hope I <3 you both... I think more than I have a right to and more than I should... Denise has been there when I've needed her so often.. An Hope has given me support from time to time in different ways.

Niki (my ex) has been there for me as well, I think the only one I could call and would just try her best to cheer me up reguardless of the animosity between the both of us. It makes great strides in helping me not to be so ... negative when I'm around her.   But still there are things I will never forget, perhaps never forgive.

Alison has stepped in from time to time to check on me, but is greatly busy with her life and new relationships.. I wish her the best.

I don't have much else to say, I'm struggling and I'm lost. But I'm also closing chapters in my life as best I can.

I had placed my hopes and sanity in the hands of some people who just aren't able to step forward anymore to help me.   It isn't their job, but still I couldn't help but feel hurt and abandoned when I started getting lost.

My car is working now, and that has done great things to improve my mood.   I need to make plans now, I need to make decisions in my life that I've been hesitating on making.

I really need to find friends who can be there for me now, rather than not be there when I needed them the most.   I know that I can make it through, but I also know that I really dont want to HAVE to do it alone.

I think someday soon I will be ready to take my katana's and knives back from my dad, but I have to earn trust back from him.   The medication turned me into a scary shell of the man I once was.    an As my brain chemistry sorted itself out I started returning to "normal" .. I kinda miss having my katana's up on display :D

teddybeargeek @ 2008-01-27T09:42:00

2008-01-27T17:42:58Z

This weekend is rather tough for me, I'm suffering from withdrawls of a sort.
*snip* I'll give a brief summary.   I was put on, a month ago, some anti-anxiety medication because I was having anxiety issues.

As I ramped up on them, my problems kept getting worse and worse... My chest pains were gone, but my head slowly started betraying me.     I couldn't handle it, I slowly started to hurt myself more and more.

I went from hitting my desk, to hitting the wall, to starting to drive my forehead into the wall repeatedly until I started to feel pain.    I didn't have these thoughts before, and what finally woke me up to having problems was sitting in a cafe... by myself.. and trying to drive a butter knife through my hand while no one was looking.

I failed, of course, but I realized I had a problem...   No one had made me angry, no one had made me sad, no one had annoyed me.   I was just stuck in a numb fog I could not get out of.   I could not deal with it..

I thought it would go away.. so I went home... and back to driving my head into a wall.

It got worse over night... an Ultimately I had to lock up my sword and knife collection.      That was when my dad decided to pull me off my medication.

This weekend, so far, has been utter misery for me. Right now I'm having a clear rational moment while I'm posting this.   But I know that it will melt away and I will walk around having more moodswings than a woman going through menopause.   I don't like getting depressed, or crying for no reason, or any of the many other emotions I have no control over.

An trust me, I don't like being cold and having a splitting headache.

But I'm making it through.

wanted to say Happy birthday hope

2008-01-25T07:10:53Z

I feel dead inside, thoroughly dead inside right now. The last few days, the medicine I take has been killing me inside. An I'm finally bottoming out, the other day I got depressed for no reason. No bloody reason, and I tried to stab my hand with a butter knife... I knew I wasn't serious cause I didn't go for something sharp.

Yesterday I was driving my forehead into a wall for a few minutes, today I gave my dad all my knives and katana's... And My pills.. I can't .. I can't do this to myself anymore.

So now I get to see if there's any addictive side effects to this medicine, as I go completely cold turkey.   I gave it a chance, Almost a full month. 4 days shy.

I just, can't keep doing this to myself... Alone.   I am so terribly alone, with no one to talk to and no one to offer me a life line.   Everyone I chat with, with the exception of denise tells me that it will get better.. that I'm just ramping up on the medicines. But as I destroy myself one stupid act at a time, I can't help but wonder.. am I really ramping up?   or Is this doing some sort of permanent damage to my head?

I didn't want to hurt myself before, I didn't have trouble feeling emotions.

I may be put on some sort of other medication, but this is for damn sure.. I'm never taking THIS pill again.

Evening out...

2008-01-13T01:48:43Z

So I've been doing this now for a while, trying to balance out against the anxiety the meds cause me.    It hasn't been easy, and it has not been fun. For the most part I've been talking off and on with Denise about it, it helps me to cope.

Perhaps I see it as a personal failure that I was unable to cope with my emotions on my own, but I'm making my way none the less.

I've gotten accustomed to the silence that I am enclosed in, the buffer I've encased myself in. I think, I do this to myself to see if someone will behave like me and force their way and save me. Whenever my friends close themselves away, I always put little dents in their armor and peek in to see if they want help.

Unfortunately, no one did that for me... No one saw that I needed help, until it was too late.   My own family missed the signs I was struggling, or didn't acknowledge it.

I feel, mentally, like I've regressed so far into my past. That I've lost all the hard fought ground, and personal freedoms I had discovered.    Perhaps I also feel betrayed by myself.

I have a lot to come to terms with, and I am looking for ways to do that.   I'm looking for ways to find my own personal salvation and self worth.   But it is oh so lonely where I am, even with my family just down the hall.   I feel a listlessness, a restlessness, and a hopelessness in my soul that is becoming recognizable as depression.

I'm working on it, I'm trying to come to terms...

I know I have no other choice but to make it, I wont take failure as an option.

Reply or not, your choice I'm not looking for confirmation or assistance anymore.

Goodbye 2007

2008-01-01T19:36:11Z

I'm still not going to appologize for my post a few nights back. This is my journal, and if offends you, or you are tired of it. You know what you can do.

I explained myself rather nicely in my response to Mariah on my last post.   How I see things, and how I put things.   This last year, is a year I'd like to forget.. a year I'd like to move past.   I'm on medication now to deal with my anxiety, and it also affects depression as well.   It's a difficult thing to come to terms with.

I've spent so long, being so strong for everyone elses sake.. and I can't help but see it as I've failed in the long run.   I've got a lot to come to terms with this year, and to begin my healing process.   I'm going to do it for myself, and for no other person on this planet.

I've spent the year pointing fingers at people, trying to get one reaction or another.   I've never explained why, I've never explained myself.

I'll explain it now, now that I can look back with reflection... before the pills take "me" away again.

I don't think any of you can fix me, I don't think any of you can help me or change me.   However, I know that in by talking with people I find the clues and the keys to change myself.   To be more precise, it's the company that I feel by associating with you that gets me to thinking.

I've talked with a few of you off and on via chats, and phone and live journal.   An I've always drawn lessons learned from it, and applied it to my life.   Kinda how I operate.

There are some of you, that I've shared details of my life with that I can't write here. I can't share with anyone else.    Secrets and dark places of my soul.   I thought that I had formed a bond or connection that I could rely on .

An let me clarify rely on so that no one misunderstands me.   By rely on, I mean the fact of the friendship... the bond. to know that through thick or thin, we were there for each other.   In all of my friendships, I always offer that... without hesitation and without conditions. It's never been conditional to be my friend.   Let me put that out there for EVERYONE to see.     The anger and blame I point out in my posts, is me feeling the effects of establishing a relationship that apparently is only one way, or at least I see it thus at the time.    It's me pointing it out at myself, mainly.

I do this, self destructing, frequently and try to create myself over again every time. It's the only way I can deal with stress when I can't talk with the people I felt I had a bond with.   It is in effect me throwing paint at the wall, and hoping it mixes together to make a Mona Lisa.    An it works for a time, I walk away from Livejournal feeling reborn.

But that isn't healthy, it doesn't make me deal with my problems and my stresses at all.   It just means I'm avoiding them, I'm walking away from them and ignoring them.

I have felt alone, and cornered without a friend for so much of this last year. I've struggled with doubt, and self worth, not to mention pitied myself greatly for being alone.   I've watched my health, mental and otherwise circle the drain because I've been lost in a depressive funk that no one wanted to help me lift myself out of.   I couldn't see myself as having the strength to do it myself, because I had fallen in there without so much as a struggle.

I've waited so long for the hand to reach out from the darkness and pull me back towards the light.   I've prayed for someone to do that for me, and no one was willing to make that effort for me.   There are some times I wish I had a clone of myself, because I know if I were the person in the darkness, I wouldn't hesitate to reach out and offer a hand. I just wouldn't, it's not who I am.. no matter who I'm pretending to be this week.

I had friends helping me for the first part of this year when Wanda passed away, and I value that.. but the help went away slowly, day by day.   Life takes different paths for everyone, an I see that this path has finally split away to far to come back from I think.   My best friend vanished from me, while I still needed her most.   An that affected me greatly this year, an I think that what put me in this hole in the first place.   I don't blame her, I don't blame her in the least for following her heart and life choices.   What I blame is myself for not being strong enough to survive this split on my own.

When things would happen, I would think to myself, Oh I'll post on live journal in a cryptic fashion only she will get.   An she'll come to the rescue and be where I can call her. (Epic Fail) ... I'll hit the bottle and by time, and maybe she'll sign on THIS week (miserable fail) ... I'd self destruct, and fall to pieces.    I'd go on vacation, and hope that I'd come back to an email or a post.    All I'd really be leaving here in washington would be this burden I carry.

Its my burden, and no one elses.   It's my burden because its all the emotions and thoughts that I have hard times dealing with.   I can only count on myself to carry this burden until I find the right place to sit it down and open it up. To deal with each packaged event as they need to be dealt with.

I'll open one up for all of you to see, and open you all up to whats kill me when I close my eyes.

I don't deal with death well, it seems to stalk my family like a predator.    Waiting for the next weakest link, and then it strikes.   So when it came for my aunt this year, I was unprepared.   I didn't like her much as a person, she let herself be used by her children and she was untruthful to us.   But as my aunt, I loved her to death.   She taught me how to cook salmon just right so it comes out flakey but juicy... rich with flavor.   She taught me that alcohol relieves the stress and the depression for only a short while but I have to come to terms with it eventually.

She taught me that I shouldn't have to expect to go through things alone, that I should just reach out.   She taught me many things, in the short while before cancer took who she was and pushed it through a shredder.   She became someone else after that, guarded and quiet.   Her loss of her ex husband and permanent house mate pushed her even further through the grinder.   She became convinced that only one of her sons was right no matter what he did. An that money could buy love and affection.   She squandered more money than I'll see in a decade.

But through it all, I still loved my aunt... But didn't like who she had become.   So when she passed away, I took it hard.   What affected me most, was seeing her in that hospital bed like she was asleep.   Walking up and touching her forehead and feeling her so cold, cold to the touch and I could feel death.    I lost myself there, and I walked off crying and freaking out.   I called a few people, trying to find someone to keep me from going insane.   One or two people answered, and helped me make it through that night.    My brother Tommy flew out and was by my side, and the families for a week.

Thats what I needed, that's what I wanted.   But It didn't help me deal with what was tearing me up.   Knowing that death stole another of my loved ones from me.   Robbed me of one more argument, or one more barbed jab at her son for a heated chat that ended up in a hug.

I couldn't get over how cold she felt, when I use to give her great big hugs and warm her up on a cold day.   It still haunts me, The loss of her haunts me.   I have issues with her bedroom door being closed, so I close mine so I don't have to see it. She ALWAYS had that door open, now its closed and so cold in her room.

I have issues, I know.. but I'll get over them.

That's one of the great many things I carry with me every day, things I see when I close my eyes for sleep. Things that haunt me.    I know its unhealthy to do this to myself, I know it's unhealthy to carry this around. I don't know how to do it any other way, asking for help to share this burden doesn't work. No one is willing to reach out and throw me a rope, so I'm having to do this myself.

I can't ask my family here in the house, because they each have their own burdens from this year. My dads health has been bad, he's been in and out of hospitals. My mother isn't all that emotionally available, she doesn't comprehend some of the things I go through.

So I quite literally have to go through this blind, and by myself.

So excuse me if I lash out a little bit from time to time. I try to do so, so I know I'm not alone in this world.   When no one takes the time to write me, or to call me, or to let me know they simple care with a message. I just let it all build, and build, and build, and build some more.

An I'm reeping what I sowed.   I am now on Anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medicines.   So what I couldn't do for myself, or others couldn't help me with.. Is now being medicated away.

An as I write this, I feel it all slipping away. I feel the pill claiming more and more of who I am, and replacing it with "Him" ... he doesn't care, he doesn't get angry, he doesn't appreciate anime the way I do >.>

He just walks around like a robot all day...   Sucks to be him...

Oh well... That's me coming clean with myself a little about 2007. Read if you want, ignore if you dont.

teddybeargeek @ 2007-12-29T14:47:00

2007-12-29T22:47:45Z

as each of you remove me from your friends list, so shall I remove you. So far it's
Mariah, which is okay.. she and I barely talked anyways.

I wish you many happy days to come mariah. Sorry you had to put up with my whining all the time.

Who's next? which of you have I pissed off enough to remove me. C'mon... Tell me.